FOX NEWS: THE SCARE NECESSITIES

Halloween is over seven months away however the folks over at Fox News celebrate it everyday.

One dark and stormy night I switched over to the cable news show to find Sean Hannity in the midst of a spine-tingling tale. I’m sitting in the living room as thunder rumbles and lightning flashes outside my window. The lights mysteriously go out and I’m left all alone. I feel like the sacrificial teen under the influence skinny dipping in the lake while a homicidal maniac runs loose. With fingernails firmly ensconced between chattering teeth Hannity introduced his next segment. “Really Scary.” Cue sinister organ chord and damsel’s shriek. I turned up the volume in blood-pumping anticipation at the discovery of what is really scary. Is it an 8 foot creature created in a lab someplace running afoul of my town? Or perhaps an 8-ton fire-breathing lizard headed toward me? No, the source was…THE STIMULUS PACKAGE! Muahah ahahh ahaha!

When I pulled my senses together I found myself interested to hear where the “scary” was in the “really scary” reference. Hannity announced his guest for the segment to explain the “monster” costs to the taxpayers. An economist? Like the Pulitzer-Prize winning Paul Krugman? Through the murky haze appeared the marshmallowy visage of Karl Rove. Duh-duh-DUHN! My bones shook. Not because he is not an expert on the subject matter, though he did read a “134 page document” and “more importantly 66 pages of charts.” Nor was it that he was the guy responsible for Bush getting into the White House and is under subpoena. I was becoming one of those uncontrollable idiots scared out of their wits who do something stupid in a disaster movie, which explained why my channel was stuck on Fox News. No, I got scared when Rove described the costs as “scary.” So horrific in fact that Rove produced a “whiteboard” to explain the frightening large numbers. “3.7 trillion dollars to the deficit.” BOO! OMG! I peed in my pants! I waited for him to cite the sources of his figures. To my surprise there were none. Then I waited for the graphics highlighting the costs. Bupkiss. It was like Dr. Frankenstein warning the villagers that the monster was on the loose.

“How do we protect ourselves, Doctor?”

“He’s big and scary. He’s over eight feet tall.”

“Again, what steps should we take to protect our families, good doctor?”

“He’s got bolts coming out of his neck. And he’ll tear your arms out.”

“You’re not listening to us, doctor…”

“Out of the sockets, I tells ya! He’s one scary monster.”

I wonder which “document” did Rove actually read and which “charts” did he research? Could it have been from Bush’s term in the White House perhaps? MUAHAHAH! Then a strange thing followed. The thunder and lightning ceased. I peeked out my window to find a half moon sitting comfortably in the starry sky. The lights come back on and the organ note is replaced by the wacky sound effects from a neighbor watching cartoons. Wah-wah-wah.