Art Rhymes with Fart- A Commentary

I hate movies that make me think. I want to go to the movie theater, go take a dump and return without missing anything or asking my paid escort what happened. The less conversation the better, that’s my motto. So it really pisses me off to hear about the “artistic” crap people put into the movies like symbolism and metaphors. I have a cushy, non-descript executive job thanks to my bro Thomas from Pepperdine, I work out five days a week and I scan the internets all day, I have no time to capture the little messages and stuff like that. Going forward I am also going to movies with a simple, direct title like “Transformers.” You know going in it’s a movie about transformers. Or “Rush Hour.” You know it’s got Jackie Chan and that black dude…Chris something or other. The point is that I know to expect kung fu and funny stuff. Like the other night, I was over at this artsy chick’s house. I really wanted to bang her but she instead puts on a dvd of a movie called “400 Blows.” Dude, you should have seen the disappointment on my chiseled, Nordic face when I realized it was in French and to the best of my recollections it was about some kid. And I was out of Viagra.

Moving forward I vow never to watch any movies critics love. Who are critics anyway? Eggheads who watch movies and evaluate the content for the audiences who are unaware of what to expect, that’s all. That’s just it. I want to watch a flick and know what’s going to happen. I wanna watch something that allows me a few minutes to think of a good opening line on that Yoga instructor hottie at my gym without losing any plot points. For this reason I pack my own collection whenever I make my frequent business trips to Bangkok. Seriously, if I don’t get an explosion or boobs within the first 5 minutes, I make my executive decision and move on to another movie. I have no patience and time during my 12-hour flight.

So I say this to all the director bros making good, quality movies for guys like me. Keep it up. You dudes won’t get awards, but who cares. Awards are for those who have shown excellence and a passion for their art. The “Art” I know works on my Beamer engine and he’s fat. Just know that when you movie directors cash your hefty checks there is one hombre you rock like a freakin’ hurricane.